5 Tips to Survive the Holidays

As the holiday season is upon us, I thought I would share some of my favorite (or most used!) tips for getting through the holiday season.

1) Self-care – this means you need to make sure you take time for YOURSELF during the hectic holiday season. People often think of self-care in terms of massages, facials, and the like. That's all well and good (and certainly has its place), but what I mean by self-care during the holidays is doing something for YOURSELF in the season of giving. Maybe sign up for that art appreciation class you've been meaning to take, or make a dish to take to Aunt Edna's Christmas dinner when you know she's going to go heavy on the meat (and you're a vegetarian). Maybe buy that watch that you've been eyeing -- there's nothing wrong with giving to yourself -- nobody said the season of giving precludes you! Whichever way you choose to celebrate YOU during the holidays, make sure you don't deplete your reserves. No part of the holidays will be joyful if you don't take care of yourself first.

2) Say "No"— very few of us are good at saying no. In fact, a major reason the holidays can be so challenging is because we are so overprogrammed and overcommitted from Thanksgiving through New Year's. Now, I could get into the whys of we are stretched so thin, but that would be a whole blog topic on its own. Given that we agree (I'll presume) that we do too much, commit to do too much, and overall wear ourselves too thin over the holidays, we need to commit to something different: commit to saying NO! So, you've got the office party, the neighborhood party, and family coming on Christmas: you DO NOT need to chair the first two events, and you do not need to make an entire spread for Christmas from scratch. In the case of Christmas, pick up hors d'oeuvres at Costco or Sam's, and ask each guest to prepare their favorite side dish. You do not have to be Superwoman or Superman. And nobody will want you to have to fight the Beast that is suicidality over a meal. You'll have to trust me on that one, but believe me, no one wants you to feel suicidal urges because you are stressed over a party or a meal. NO ONE. (I once spent Thanksgiving, Chanukah, Christmas, and New Year's by myself, and it was, maybe surprising to you, healing. I needed the time to myself to sort things out, and it was the best decision I could have made that particular year.) In fact, this year, I allowed my mother to talk me into ordering Christmas dinner. Usually, I cook, and not cooking made me feel like I wasn't doing enough – that I wasn't enough. Given that dinner is ordered and there's no going back, I feel a bit relieved not to have to be Superwoman!

3) Say "Yes" – Hmm…did I just get done discussing how important it is to say No?? No, I'm not crazy – well, not more than usual!! While it is important not to overcommit during the holidays, it is equally important not to isolate. Feeling alone is often at its worst during the holidays. Why? Because we have this image of a perfect Christmas that everyone is experiencing BUT us. Now, if you aren't at your most chipper during the holidays, isolating is just as bad for you as overcommitting. Why? Because, as my therapist of over twenty years used to have to tell me regularly, "There is no such thing as a happy hermit." I argued with her on that point for a very long time – until I realized she was right! Being around people, assuming they are not toxic in any way, can be the very best medicine. And, remembering that people tend to put on a brave face is key to surviving the holidays. Remember that EVERYONE has SOMETHING or ANOTHER going on that is not all jolly and holly – and that almost NOBODY wants to show their vulnerable side at the family Christmas gathering. So, do yourself a favor, and say Yes to engagements that will help you weather the holiday season (and circling back to point number two, it's still equally important to say No to doing too much).

4) Be mindful – practicing mindfulness can be a great way to approach the holiday season. Now, you ask, what is mindfulness? I find the best way to define mindfulness is by describing the practice of mindfully drinking a cup of tea. To mindfully drink tea, one needs to employ all five senses: you hear the whistle when the teapot is boiling, you feel the warmth of the cup in your hands; you see the color of the tea, darker the longer it steeps; you smell the delicate fragrance of the tea; and, finally, you taste the tea. Approaching the holidays from a mindful outlook means that you fully take in your surroundings, whether enjoying a candy cane or remembering to be present at your family's Christmas dinner rather than lost in your thoughts. Holiday obligations can be just that: obligations and not events that bring joy. Being mindful can be one way to head off the holiday blues. It's easy to get lost in our thoughts, remembering holidays of the past (especially if we have negative memories, as those seem many times more likely to come to mind). Instead, if we focus on the here and now, we are more likely to enjoy ourselves in the present instead of living in the past.

5) Practice gratitude – arguably, this is the most essential tool in your holiday survival toolbox. Remembering the reason for the season – from Thanksgiving to Chanukah and Christmas to New Year's, the basic theme of the season is being thankful. But believe me, I get it if the last thing you're feeling is thankful – especially if you feel like you are surrounded by toxic people and/or memories. Before you go all postal on Uncle Mike, take a moment to slow things down. What you say?? Chill during what is arguably the most emotionally loaded time of year?? YES. That is EXACTLY what I'm saying. Slow down and don't burn bridges (even if they legitimately need to be burned – save that for another day). Remember, people can be complicated. It's not necessarily all love or all hate, and you can still be grateful for them – even if only because Uncle Mike makes a mean pecan pie. (Now, let it be said that if Uncle Mike molested you as a child, the fact that he perhaps has a "redeeming quality" does NOT mean this is a person I am saying you ought to be grateful for...even gratitude has its limits.) You might remember from my post on Thanksgiving and the practice of gratitude that you don't have to be thankful for something major. If you're not used to "giving thanks," start small. Be thankful that you woke up this morning. Now, the Beast would argue with you that you shouldn't be thankful for that – after all, didn't you pray last night that you wouldn't wake up today? Well, beat back the Beast – shout from the rooftops that you are HERE, and you DESERVE to be here as much as anyone else. If you give yourself anything this holiday season, give thanks for YOU.

I hope you find joy this holiday season!