A Fractured Sense of Self

They say the toughest question is, “What is the meaning of life?” I propose that the MOST difficult question to answer is actually, “Who am I?” While you may have a different view, I can answer the first question for myself: live a life of integrity and treat others with love and compassion. The answer to the second question is more nefarious for me, and I venture to guess for you as well. It's also largely dependent on who I am desperately trying to turn myself into a pretzel to please.

One of the most difficult things I struggle with is feeling fractured – broken, really – because of the traumas I have experienced. I have perfected the act of turning into a chameleon and being what I think others expect/want/demand of me.

I recently was in a psych ward in a hospital in Texas. For the first two days, I was joking around with the staff – I think they wondered what on earth I was doing in the hospital. Then day three hit, and the façade cracked. The depression washed over me in waves. I couldn’t eat, could barely communicate, and was absolutely hopeless.

Who do you think my constant companion was for the next month that I spent in the hospital? The Beast, you say? You got it – the Beast was the shadow I couldn’t shake. It never left my side. When I started to get better (largely a function of the passage of time and practicing my coping skills), the Beast receded. It didn’t disappear or go away entirely, but it became bearable – it no longer owned me.

I have been a chameleon for as long as I can remember. In both my marriages, I attempted to be who I thought my spouse wanted me to be and I lost who I was. Trying to be somebody I wasn’t was mentally and physically exhausting, and I argue part of the reason the marriages failed was that my husbands wanted the person they had dated, not the automaton I became in an attempt to be who and what they wanted.

So, how does one stop being a chameleon? First, one has to take a long, hard look at what they want in life. Becoming a chameleon is often an inadvertent response to trauma; letting go of being a chameleon, however, is a conscious decision that requires intent and fortitude. It is not easy to stop being who we think others want us to be, but ending the chameleon “loop” frees us up to be our very best selves – and most importantly, it allows us a sense of individuality and strength.

It goes without saying that the Beast HATES it when we learn to stand up for ourselves. A strong person can weather many storms – and believe it or not, we ARE strong. We are individuals with unique talents and abilities, and we should foster them, not limit ourselves to what we think others want us to be.

If you recognize the tendency to be a chameleon, first give yourself a break: being a chameleon is a reaction to a stressor, often (but not always) an actual trauma. Realize that reclaiming your individuality – the spark that makes you a unique human being – is a multi-step process. As such, it won’t happen immediately, but that’s ok: being yourself, your best self, is well worth the wait.

Photo Credit: Missy Hood