Are you a People Pleaser?

People-pleasing – we all do it to one degree or another. Whether it’s a problem depends on how we encode our people-pleasing. If we are generally easygoing, we might have an easier time not taking on the baggage associated with processing people-pleasing behavior. What does this mean, practically?

Well, for starters, people-pleasing comes in two very different forms. On the one hand, it is an act that everyone engages in. For example, making pleasant small talk in a new social situation (e.g., trying to find something to compliment the other person on) is a healthy form of people-pleasing), as it (hopefully) leads to fostering connections – something we all need.

On the other hand, it can risk becoming self-defeating and downright harmful. This type of people-pleasing goes beyond socially acceptable use. Rather, chronic people-pleasers engage in the behavior in EVERY situation. Chronic people-pleasers bend over backward to make others happy. In doing so, they lose track of themselves, their wants, and needs, which they subjugate to appease the other person.

People pleasers are considered helpful and kind – and who doesn’t want to appear helpful and kind?? Well, people who are chronic people pleasers put others’ wants and needs above their own – and don’t get their own wants and needs met. Ironically, sometimes this is because they don’t believe they deserve kindness.

My psychiatrist has said that I get angry when he’s late (truth be told, he is chronically tardy for our meetings). I don’t actually get upset when he’s late. Why? Because when he’s with me, he’s with me 100%. And, as someone with a people-pleasing problem that has gotten better over time, I know that while I might give him a pass, I don’t globally give passes like I used to. Now, if I’m bending over backward to please someone, I am conscious that I’m engaging in people-pleasing behaviors.

Now (and this is important), if you people please because of a fear of abandonment, rejection, criticism, or hurt, you are very likely people-pleasing for pathological reasons. What I mean by this is that if you have a traumatic reason for people-pleasing, you are most likely to appear calm on the outside – and tormented on the inside.

I struggle with a long history of trauma, and I know now that this is one of the drivers of my struggle with the Beast that is suicidality. Take heed – people-pleasing is a dangerous, slippery slope. While it is ok to engage in the occasional people-pleasing to build someone else up, remember to hold your wants and needs first and foremost. Don’t lose sight of yourself. You are worth more than that.

Repressing your wants and needs to please others can lead to feeling serious resentment towards those you are trying to make happy. Being a people pleaser can lead to a crisis of authenticity – the self-sacrifice pathological people-pleasing requires makes it a personal cross to bear – one that we can live without.

If you recognize yourself in this blog post, stop, drop, and roll: you are on fire (and not in a positive sense). Remember, you need to live this life, in many ways, for yourself, first and foremost. It’s like the flight attendants tell us: put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others with theirs. You need to be for yourself before you can be for others in order to beat back the Beast.