Boundaries: What We Need, You and I

Is it wrong to express our needs? No more than it’s wrong to feel our feelings (more on this in my next blog post). It can be tricky — impossible at times — to express our feelings, so why would we think it’s easy to express our needs? Many people subjugate their needs, thinking it’s easier than rocking the boat, but this can lead to resentment, lost friendships, and even divorce. When we learn to set healthy boundaries, we let people know our limits.

OK, so what do I mean by expressing our needs? Well, for me, it means that I don’t allow people to walk all over me. I give people the benefit of the doubt but draw the line at being treated like shit. People need to respect that I am a person of value who deserves to be treated, at the very least, with respect for me as a human being.

Suppose I’m not feeling like I deserve to be treated on one of my particularly self-effacing days. In that case, I revert to the post-it notes on my bathroom mirror: smart, kind, funny, resilient, determined, & integrity — words that people who are very important to me gave me. I try to chase the four horsemen (worthless, useless, hopeless, failure) away as best I can, as they don’t help me set healthy boundaries (in fact, they do just the opposite).

In setting boundaries, we delineate where I end, and you begin. This helps us prevent a crisis of character — or worse yet, become victims of the Beast that is suicidality. Setting boundaries helps us know ourselves and what we can live with, i.e., how much BS we can tolerate, and I believe our BS meters should be calibrated LOW.

While I have been a follower much of my life, I don’t (generally) suffer fools any longer, and I get better at defining my boundaries all the time. If you lack boundaries, do NOT panic, and don’t try to tackle your most nefarious boundary issues all at once. I’d suggest starting small to get a feel for how you want to handle creating boundaries.

Boundaries are complex, especially if we don’t see ourselves as worthy of protection. I, for example, no longer stay silent, accepting the boundaries (or lack thereof) that others set — which often infringe on my wants and needs. Am I perfect? Hell to the no! But I see myself — most of the time — as worthy of fighting for my needs, a far cry from not all that many years ago.

At present, I am attending to my needs: I recently spent nine days on a psych ward —I was experiencing the Beast and its attendant suicidality. The Beast was emitting its siren song, and I was being lulled away from reality. The fact that I have people around me who know how I act when I’m losing ground to the Beast is everything to me.

The ultimate loss of boundaries is when we entertain the idea of suicide as a solution. Trust me: suicide solves nothing, and I mean nothing. So grab the Beast by the horns, and do what needs to be done in order to keep you safe. And never feel guilt or shame for asking for help setting boundaries — or to help battle the Beast.