Boundaries – Where I End & You Begin

So, What are boundaries, and why are they so darn important? A boundary means knowing where I end and you begin. It is what separates us from others, what gives us our individuality. Why are they so important, you ask? Because knowing the line between you and me keeps us from compromising to an unhealthy degree and is critical in the morass that occurs when we don't set boundaries.

It is super important to learn how to create – and maintain – healthy boundaries. So, what does a healthy boundary look like? Well, for one, it feels good – it feels like you are giving your wants and needs their just due, at least as impotent as anyone else's. It is important to note that it might not feel so good at the beginning if you aren't used to setting boundaries – and others might not be thrilled and push back (which is when you need to stand behind the boundaries important to you).

I would posit that some of the hardest boundaries to set and respect are those in intimate relationships. It's often a result of not valuing where you end, and your partner begins winding up in a dependent relationship. An example of poor boundary setting is twisting ourselves into pretzels to be what we think someone our partner wants us to be. (And the irony, I learned from two divorces, is that they fell in love with who I was, not who I thought they wanted me to be.)

Setting boundaries can feel wrong, awkward, and highly uncomfortable because many of us aren't used to setting them. So, why do something that can feel bad? Because, believe it or not, sometimes things get worse before they get better. If you don't typically set and/or maintain boundaries, people might take umbrage at that, to the degree that you might be surprised.

People don't like change as a rule, and your newfound penchant for setting boundaries is likely to ruffle more than a few feathers. To this end, I encourage you to make boundaries that honor yourself and to stand firm in front of your naysayers. The sooner other people learn that you mean business, the easier it will be to fight off the haters.

One last note: there is something called codependence. It is a cyclical relationship in which BOTH parties are hopelessly intertwined, both "absolutely needing the other absolutely." It's an unhealthy degree of (inter)dependence. Whatever degree of interdependence/enmeshment you have, ask yourself if you are happy in your relationships. If the answer is no, the next question should be, "What do my boundaries look like, and do I need to reset them?"