Circle of Friends

I’ve written on the importance of support systems, but I think that one’s circle of friends may very well be the most important of those systems, so bear with me if I repeat myself here. I believe that friendships can be some of the most restorative relationships.

(Of course, as with all relationships, friendships can sour, and can be difficult to navigate; by no means am I saying that friendships – or being a friend – is a simple or easy task.)

I am enormously lucky to have the best bestie in the world – someone who supports me without question, celebrates with me in the good times, hunkers down, and lifts me when I am in the depths of my depression. He puts it best when he says that “we have the family we’re born with, and the family we choose” – and that we chose each other.

As much as I love my nuclear family, we are a package deal. We exist, for better or worse, without any choice on our part. And that’s my bestie’s point – any kind of “family” other than the family we are born into involves choice. Knowing that we’ve been chosen by another, whether by a spouse, partner, or friend, is special magic.

What if you don’t have any friends? Well, that’s the beauty of friendship: you can create friendships on any given day of any given week of any given year. What does friendship require? It requires an open mind, a willing heart, and an ability to trust – and a dollop of shared interests never hurts.

Trust you say? TRUST?! I’ll admit that a history of abandonment makes trust a very, very difficult construct for me. My bestie came on the scene at the tail end of my first marriage. He was the interior designer for my newly purchased home – he and his partner began by designing my house and wound up capturing my heart. He was (and is) the most kind, most generous, most loving person I have ever met.

It bears noting that my trust in people shattered after my divorce – and I’d never had a great relationship with trust to begin with. My parents divorced when I was very young, and I’d had more than a few relationships implode over the years, from friends to romantic partners (who I regarded as the very closest and best of friends).

So, what should one look for in a friend? You want someone who will treat you with the kindness and generosity you deserve. You want someone who makes you a priority, who will be there no matter what. You want someone who will stick around in the good – and bad - times, someone who makes you feel good about yourself. Your friends should be your greatest champions.

This brings me to what you DONT want in a friend: you don’t want someone who flakes on you when the going gets tough. You don’t want someone who routinely puts your needs second to their own (remember, relationships are two-way streets). You don’t want someone who isn’t interested in celebrating your successes. You don’t want someone who is otherwise toxic. And, you don’t want someone you can’t trust. Don’t make close friends lightly – take the time to get to know them. Remember, trust is earned.

And I know the question I’ll get: “With so many potential downsides, why is friendship important? Why should I bother?” You should “bother” because having friends is one of life’s most special experiences – having friends makes the bad times easier to bear and the good times exponentially better.

So, as you know, I often speak of the Beast that is suicidality, and I bet you’re wondering how it ties into this blog post? Well, friendship is one of the most powerful antidotes to suicidality. The Beast hates it when you reach out for love and support, and it hates it even more when people reach a hand out to you in your time of need. So, do yourself a favor – make friends and beat back the Beast in the process. It’s a win-win!!