Forgiveness

Arguably my least favorite topic: the whole subject of forgiveness is a thorny quagmire for me. “They,” say that one must forgive – that not forgiving is horrible for one’s mental and physical health. It’s considered to be the Christian way. So, what is wrong with me that I have a subset of people I refuse to forgive?

Well, here is where I am doubly glad that I am Jewish. While Judaism certainly doesn’t discourage forgiveness, it also doesn’t require it. And that is in line with my belief system (that and my hope that karma exists).

Well-meaning friends and therapists have told me that my refusal to forgive will lead me down the wrong path, lead to my undoing. I beg to differ: I do NOT hold anger in my heart; I do NOT dwell on negative memories; I do NOT waste time thinking about those I harbor anger towards. I guess you could call my anger “passive.” Truly, I most often get angry when I cannot escape a situation where the objects of my anger are absolutely unavoidable (which, truth be told, rarely occurs).

I will note that anger isn’t just a seething fury – like most things in life, it is on a continuum. At one end, there is annoyance and aggravation; at the opposite end, there is a cacophonous medley of sheer and unadulterated outrage.

Years ago, when hospitalized for more than two years, I was told I was “scaring staff.” I was heartbroken – I would never have dreamed of harming anyone, let alone a staff member. When I told my therapist what had been conveyed – and how much I didn’t want people to be scared of me – she corrected me: they weren’t scared of me, they were scared for me. I was highly self-sabotaging then, and she explained that the staff worried I would really hurt myself.

I was afraid of my anger for a long time – it took a lot of personal reflection and a lot of work to get where I am now. I am no longer an angry person. Do I get angry? Sure. But it’s situational and expressed appropriately. Back to forgiveness: I asked my therapist if I had to forgive. She said no. That was the single most freeing thing she could have said.

I have often heard the saying that you don’t have to forgive the act but should forgive the person perpetrating the offense. I cannot do that. I cannot separate the person from the act. And I simply, and quite frankly, do not think that those handful of people who have wronged me deserve my forgiveness. As I mentioned, I can go a very long time without thinking of the person or the act (this small handful of people committed particularly heinous acts, including rape). And maybe I am wrong – maybe I should forgive. I know that I am good at not forgiving everyone at this point in my life.

You know, anger is a funny thing: it can motivate, it can protect – and it can destroy. Anger can motivate us to change things that aren’t working for us. It can protect us by channeling our inner “super powers” – anger can help us fight back internally and physically should the need arise. In this sense, It’s a call to arms. It can also destroy us – and our relationships – if it gets out of hand.

I hope someone reading this who has been “schooled” to feel like forgiveness is a mandate might just give themselves a break. The nifty thing about forgiveness is that you can bestow forgiveness at any given time. That you don’t forgive today does not mean that you cannot or won’t forgive tomorrow.

I also think forgiveness of a serious transgression can involve ebbs and flows. I have forgiven individuals only to wake up the next day even angrier. Forgiveness, I believe, is a process, and we all do it differently – if at all.

So, where, you ask, is the Beast that is suicidality in all of this? I see the Beast as having a corner on the market of forgiveness. If you struggle to forgive, can’t forgive, or force yourself to forgive when you aren’t ready, you may struggle with suicidality. It can be incredibly hard to sit with the idea of forgiveness – or to decide not to forgive. When addressing forgiveness in relation to a major transgression, give yourself a break, and let things unfold instead of forcing something on yourself that doesn’t feel right or genuine. And beat back the Beast: it is not the boss of you.