Forgiveness Part Two: Forgiving the Self

So, what do I mean by forgiving the self? Am I saying that you need to forgive yourself when I just posted a blog post that says you do not need to forgive those who have trespassed against you? Well, the long and the short of it is, Yes, Yes: we all do.

Hanging onto a grudge against yourself can be enormously damaging. When you feel anger toward yourself, shame is often not far behind. Shame can mask anger, or it can compete with your anger at yourself, meaning you can feel deep anger and shame simultaneously.

As I mentioned in my last post, I went through a very angry phase where I lashed out at any and everyone. I spent virtually all my waking hours seething – and I attacked those closest to me with a particularly elevated level of vitriol. In essence, I wasn’t playing fair; I was worst to those who rallied around me. To their credit, they did not leave in droves – in fact, hardly anyone ghosted me during or after that phase of my life. Now, I had to make amends with more than one person – what it taught me was that not only did I need to seek forgiveness, but that I needed to do something ten times harder: forgive myself.

Now, how I forgave myself is a difficult question to answer. For a very long time, I didn’t forgive myself for anything. I felt like I deserved to feel bad about myself and that punishing myself was appropriate. It is interesting to note that the more I forgave myself, the easier it was to forgive others’ transgressions.

Why, you ask? I don’t know that I have the exact reason, but I suspect that it has something to do with my being less angry overall, and that once I felt less incestuously invested in tearing myself down, I became a nicer person – someone whose heart had softened against others as a result of experiencing a softening towards myself.

Now that I am not wrapped in all-consuming hate, I no longer need to hold others to ridiculously high standards. (Forgiving myself means I can much more easily forgive others. Now, back to my comment in my last blog that I have not forgiven a certain subset of people: I maintain that I do not think they are worthy of forgiving – not to mention that they have never approached me to ask for forgiveness.

I do maintain that not everyone deserves forgiveness, and I also argue that not forgiving others does not necessarily mean you are all consumed with anger. Instead, I think it is easier to love yourself if you don’t feel as though there is a mandate that you forgive any and everybody who has seriously harmed you. Then you can choose whether you feel somebody deserves forgiveness.

I also maintain that deciding not to forgive someone can help you heal after a traumatic event. For example, my decision not to forgive that small subset of people means that I feel like I have the upper hand and that they no longer have power over me. You could argue that they indeed do have power over me because I still harbor ill will toward those individuals, but there is where I stop you. I do not dwell on the fact I don’t forgive a handful of people – in fact, I rarely think about them. Instead, I work on accepting and loving myself as is without giving my abusers more thought than a second or two – if any.

People often say to me some version of: “Don’t you wish you weren’t sick?” I find it a funny question, as it’s not as if I can go back and do anything to alter getting sick. And my answer might surprise you: even if I could change that, I wouldn’t. Am I crazy? Maybe, but I argue, maybe not. When I look back, I see a person I don’t particularly like. In others, I see the person who has grown and changed as one I actually have respect for, a person who gives back and moves through life holding people gently in her hands and heart. Am I perfect? Definitely not, but I endeavor to try to be a good person.

So, you ask, what does the Beast that is suicidality have to do with this discussion? It’s simple: the Beast will always have the upper hand if you don’t forgive yourself. It will consume you, and it will likely involve shame, which makes for a powerful opponent in your head. For those who struggle with a vicious inner critic or who experience degrading voices, the struggle is real. As I experience both, I can tell you that nasty critics and voices just add fuel to the Beast’s fire. The Beast LOVES the negativity in one’s head, and vitriol not shared with another human being (therapist, friend, family member, or clergyperson) gets the Beast in the proverbial door.

Realize that you are bigger than your faults and that every day is a new day when today feels overwhelming. You don’t have to feel as though you have no regrets – every human on the planet has regrets (unless you’re a sociopath, but I hardly see a sociopath interested in reading my blog!). Forgiving ourselves is among the most important things we can do for our mental health. Please remember that “you is kind, you is smart, you is important.”