Grief and Loss

Two weeks ago, I lost my beloved Basset hound, Landis Leeron. Landy Loo was my comedian, my comic relief, my love, my cranky old man. I can hardly conceive of the fact he is gone, let alone that he’s been gone two weeks. I

I’m slowly adapting to the new normal – nobody incessantly barking at mealtime, nobody insisting on an ear scratch. It was 7:30 the other night when I realized I hadn’t fed the dogs – without Landis to remind me, I had absolutely no idea how late it had gotten (truth be told, Landis always started vocalizing his wish for food a half hour before dinner, ever hopeful that he would get fed early).

Losing Landis broke my heart, as have a number of dogs and horses before him. The only reason I put myself through losing dogs and horses is that I know that the grief is, while not curable and not something I move past, I know it is something I will move through. The joy and love I get from my animals make putting my heart out there to get trampled on at the 11rth hour 100% worth it.

The grief I have endured in my lifetime -- losing two siblings, several horses, and a passel of dogs as well as two divorces – has made me extremely sensitive to losses of all types and kinds. For example, several friends recently hurt my feelings, and these are friends who have hurt me in the past to whom I was giving one last chance. That I chose to willingly give up on these friendships doesn’t mean it won’t hurt when I think back on this time.

I know I will get through the losses and come out the other side because I have grieved before. I know I will move through the loss of my Landis Leeron because I have gotten through the deaths of my other animals before (clearly not to mention my siblings). Similarly, I know I will get through mourning my friendships ending, just as I have mourned other lost relationships in the past.

The thing about grief is that, in my opinion, you should not aim for numbness or complete resolution. The ability to feel grief is simply an essence of being human. The only people who don’t feel grief are those who exist in denial – or sociopaths. Feeling sadness after a loss of any kind is a testament to your common humanity; it links us all.

Whether experiencing death, divorce, life-changing illness, losing friendships, retirement, empty nesters, loss of community after a natural disaster, etc., etc., one needs to remember that the grief will likely never completely resolve. It is something you move through, NOT wipe the slate clean. Attempting to numb yourself with distraction, alcohol, or drugs only delays the process of moving through your grief.

If you suffer from suicidal ideation – if you battle the Beast – loss can trigger even stronger suicidal urges than ordinary. Feeling the wish to be dead, join your loved one, and escape the pain of dealing with lost relationships … well, suicidality that is difficult to manage on a good day can become unbearable when dealing with loss. This is the time to do what feels impossible – reach out to your friends and loved ones, be honest with your therapist, and, most importantly, be good to yourself: this too shall pass.