Yes, I have a mental illness (well, several, to be honest). Those might very well be the five scariest words you’ve ever admitted to – I know they were mine way back when. The next question, by default, arises: who do I tell?
Well, to be Captain Obvious, that’s entirely up to you. While at first, I did all I could do to hide the fact I was sick, I soon became an open book. Why? Because I saw the damage that being secretive about mental illness caused so many people I was hospitalized with – it was as if there were two equally tricky hurdles to jump: first, in accepting that one had an illness, and second, in telling friends and loved ones. As for me, I am “out” – and I find that that works best for me. However, there are some things to remember about your illness.
When it comes to advertising your mental illness, things to keep in mind are your age, your cultural background, your religious affiliation, your employer, your college of choice, your circle of friends, your family (including your spouse, if applicable), your marital status (especially if separated, estranged, and/or contesting custody). The list goes on. Suffice it to say that even the most open-book person might take a pause in sharing that they have a mental illness, given the circumstances. (Yes, there are even times that I do not share – and I’m the one with the blog on mental illness!)
One key point I want to make is why you want to disclose. Take me, for instance. I chose to disclose my illness after I mysteriously disappeared for two years (I was hospitalized 825 miles from home and only came home a handful of times in two years). I remember my horseback riding trainer telling me on one of those visits that she was running out of excuses/explanations for my protracted absences. It was then that I realized I needed to “out” myself. Not wishing to call everybody, I chose to write a letter. Honestly, I don’t remember what I said in that letter (nor do I have a copy of it anywhere – kind of a good thing because I’m willing to bet it’s cringe-worthy).
Since then, I have been a bit more circumspect in letting people know I have a mental illness. For a while, my mental illness was something I actively hid. Why? Because I have had existing friends who disappeared, and I have made friends with people who, when they found out I had a mental illness, fled. I told myself that those people didn’t matter – but quite often, they did. At the very least, choosing whether to disclose taught me something: not everyone is worthy of my story.
So, what do I do now? Well, I guard my heart more closely. It’s not the story of my life that I lead with anymore. Nor do I use it as an offensive move – I don’t use it as armor anymore. So, how do I “out” myself? These days, if I want someone to know about my illness, I’ll either talk about it if I’m comfortable; otherwise, I might drop the fact I write a blog on mental illness, specifically on suicidality. Occasionally, I’ll get the village idiot who asks, “Why do you write about THAT?” To which I have various responses, as you can well imagine (“I’ve attempted suicide” to “Well, suicide is an important topic of mental wellness.”).
An important thing to note is where you are in your life’s journey. I do NOT recommend outing yourself on social media (like I have) if you are young. Why? Because social media accounts are checked by your future college(s) AND future employer(s). Note: not everyone has had positive experiences with those with mental illness or possesses real-life experience with those of us who are ill. (Left to their own devices, people will think like One Who Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest!)
You are not your mental illness. I repeat: you are not your mental illness. You do not have to tell anyone about your illness – you are also not sworn to secrecy. You might feel like having a mental illness has robbed you of so much, but you have the power of choice. Take care of yourself, whatever you choose.
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