As I sit and ponder my blog this evening, I'm trying to be nonjudgmental with myself. Still, there is the ever-present, highly annoying voice in my head shrieking: "worthless, useless, hopeless, failure." Oh, what I would give for that cacophony to Shut. The. Hell. Up.
Am I truly worth nothing? Does my inability to publish a blog on time (meaning for me every other Wednesday at 6ish am) really define my worth? Here is where I can say to myself, to my readers, that I can write another day, another time - this is MY blog, after all. Going back to my blog post on perfectionism, I wonder: what does it mean to let yourself off the hook? Because, clearly, there are some expectations you CANT blow off, like parenting (or most jobs, for that matter).
One of the kindest, and most skilled, therapists I have been lucky enough to work with gave me an entirely new perspective on my embarrassing (not to mention humiliating) joblessness. She looked at me as I complained bitterly about not having a career and said, simply, "You have a full-time job." It was the first time I ever even close to entertaining the idea that maybe, just maybe, my struggles amount to something other than wasted time, a wasted life.
My self-blame for a career that ended almost before it began - my self-loathing for not having a career, my self-hatred for being an "unproductive member of society" - maybe I needed to re-evaluate the criteria I judge myself on.
So, what I want to know, is who, exactly, determines what a "life worth living" actually means? I would argue that it means living your best life, and that, in turn, means doing the best you can in shitty circumstances, so be it. Nobody ever said that the only career/life worth living is one that results in a Nobel prize. So my career has not been as a lawyer. MY career has been learning how to save my life at every turn. If I hadn't held off the Beast that is suicide over and over and over again, I wouldn't be here to write this - and I sure as hell wouldn't be able to help anybody else with SPMI (severe and persistent mental illness).
As always, I hope that my writing helps someone, reaches someone. That is all that matters to me in baring my soul via blog. So, did I get my blog out on time? Nope. Did the world fall apart? Nope. The next time I bemoan the lack of a "day job," please, please remind me - or your sibling, friend, parent, or child - that my full-time job is battling the Beast and staying alive.
Thanks for writing, this is helpful as always! We are all SO hard on ourselves for different expectations! And you’re right, sometimes just surviving and being ourselves is indeed a full-time job! Thank you for sharing so much of yourself, and please keep up your good work! Liz