So, if I reread my last blog entry, I should be cutting myself a break for not having this entry completed on time. (Do I? Nope.) *sigh* Ah, well, nothing changes overnight, right?? As I sit here trying to think of what to write about, my mind immediately goes to the text I got at 6:40 this morning – it was the husband of an old friend of mine reaching out to me in a moment of crisis. While I felt humbled and honored that he chose to contact me, I felt wholly inadequate to help him.
Why? Because I have these preconceived notions about myself that I don’t measure up, that I’m not smart enough to be able to extend a life preserver to someone else who is experiencing what I deal with on a daily basis. OK, come again?? If anything, I can at least be empathic and a listening ear and sounding board (truthfully, sometimes that’s all we need to do, and it can be the best thing we do, better than all the advice in the world).
He told me he was in it up to his eyeballs, that he didn’t know how much more he could take, that he was drowning. I asked him if he was suicidal – if he was doing the dance with the Beast that is suicidality – and he said surprisingly no, at least not more than usual, that that wasn’t his biggest concern. As an alcoholic with two years of sobriety, he worried more about maintaining his sobriety in the face of this crisis.
He mentioned that he has a sponsor and several sponsees and that it is his responsibility to his sponsees that is keeping him on the straight and narrow. He goes to six meetings a week. He works the program. If anything, he is an inspiration to newly recovering alcoholics – and his sense of responsibility to those counting on him is helping him from sinking any deeper into the abyss.
It had been a while since I last spoke to this friend of a friend. I was struck by how profound his depression was – and how much I could relate. For me, however, the Beast would be rearing its ugly head like no tomorrow if I felt as all-consumed by “the black dog” (Winston Churchill’s name for his deep depression) as my friend's husband has been.
Despite the fact he said he wasn’t suicidal, I asked, based on how all-encompassing his depression was, if he thought he should go into the hospital. This is when I got rabidly angry (and, no, not at him). He told me that his psychiatrist told him that he “liked” being hospitalized.
OK. WTF??? Who the hell WANTS to be hospitalized?! Not me, for one, and I have way over 100 hospitalizations to my name. This individual? Two? Three? What that psychiatrist did was criminal: she made going into the hospital a thing of shame. NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE TELLS YOU, IF YOU NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL, GO. ‘Nuff said. And never, EVER feel guilty for taking any action that preserves – or restores – your mental health. No matter who is standing in your way – your family, your friends, or even your doctor. Always remember, you are your own best advocate.
As for my friend's husband, he is getting through his day at work. He texted me, however, a comment that caught my breath: “It sounds dramatic but I think on some level I want someone to ask me if I’m ok.” Dramatic? Definitely not. We all need empathy to feel valued. To heal. If this post does one thing, let it be an encouragement to be there for someone else. Be the hand that reaches out in someone else’s crisis – or, just as importantly, check in on someone who you think is doing fine. Trust me, you just never know the Beast that someone else might be fighting.
Wow, this is really powerful! It reminds me of the saying “be kind to others, because you have no idea the trauma that others may be dealing with inside”. And don’t sell yourself short, you have so much helpful perspective to share with others!!! Best of luck to you & your friend. I hope he’s able to work through it! Sending a big hug to you! As always, thanks so much for sharing yourself with us! :) Liz