Managing the Beast

So, you're wondering how (if, at all) one can manage their suicidality? To be able to visualize my villain, I nicknamed my suicidality the "Beast." Let it be said that suicidality, or suicidal ideation, is one hell of an opponent.

The Beast came into my life when I was in the sixth grade. I remember that day like it was yesterday: I was wearing my favorite pair of red corduroys, mindlessly counting the rows, when, all of a sudden, I was contemplating ways to end my life. It didn't feel foreign or "bad" – it just seemed to make sense. From that point on, suicide has been my constant companion and long-enduring bedfellows.

I cannot tell you why the Beast took up residence in my brain. I have a few ideas, from being a failed perfectionist to enduring a great deal of school-induced stress to being a child of divorced parents – none of these reasons on their own seem to be the culprit. I honestly think it has to do with what my therapist of nearly 25 years dubbed "stress pile up," meaning that rather than one individual thing being responsible, it's the weight of many things all at once.

The Beast can come into one's life at any time – and luckily, for most, will leave just as quickly. Problems occur when the Beast decides to take up permanent residence and after that, impacts just about everything one thinks and does.

If fully embraced, the Beast can more or less completely take over. The Beast's kissing cousin, "hopelessness," exists on a very slippery slope with suicidality. Feeling hopeless can lead to lead to feeling suicidal (or vice versa), which can lead, in turn, to hopelessness and then back to suicidality and so on—one very vicious and dangerous circle.

So, how do I combat the Beast? Have I learned any tricks over the past 35+ years? Most importantly, I have learned to keep fighting, even when I want to do anything BUT fight. I remember the words that important people in my life have used to describe me ("smart," "kind," "funny," "resilient," "determined," "integrity"). These words are my anchors – I feel nothing but the utmost respect for the three people who gave me these words, and I don't want to disappoint them or let them down.

I remember how important it is to be around people even when every fiber of my being wants to be a hermit. I reach out to my mental health treaters and adjust meds and/or appointments. And, the biggest reason that I haven't given in to the Beast is the fact that my therapist, over a forty-year career, has not lost one person, not one, to suicide, and I do not want to be her first.

A therapist asked me if writing about suicide would be too triggering – I said that I didn't think so, that I thought it would help. I was right – for me, at least; engaging the Beast helps me stay one up. For some, constantly engaging the Beast as I do might be counterproductive or downright dangerous. You know yourself best, so if my approach is not your best approach, take heed and take on the Beast the best way you know how.

The Beast is a powerful opponent and one to take seriously. If you are struggling with the Beast, don't keep your battles to yourself, as the Beast loves it when we fight it in isolation. Remember, there is power in numbers, and don't, I repeat, don't give up!