Now, this will probably seem improbable in a world where drug experimentation is de rigueur among adolescents and collegiates, but I have never tried an illegal substance. I think the biggest reason why is that my mother threatened to get rid of my beloved equines should I try using drugs. (Well, that and I figured with my luck, I’d wind up trying something laced.) And, as I began my mental health journey, I couldn’t imagine screwing up all my hard work just for a temporary high.
You know how there are people who are especially vulnerable to addiction, whether it be a family history of addiction, a prescription to a benzo, or an opioid gone wrong? Well, then there’s me: I have had dozens of scripts for benzos and opioids without encountering a problem. For some reason, I do not feel “high” when I take them, and they do a remarkably shitty job of managing my pain. Ergo, I’ve almost never made it to the bottom of a bottle of opioids – I give up long before then. Given that I have had five major surgeries (back, shoulder, knee, wrist, and, most recently, brain), I’ve had several opiod prescriptions.
As you can imagine, I was long from sold on trying psychedelic drugs to treat my mental illness. In fact, I was pretty much horrified. But I was desperate. And it was a controlled situation, with “safe” drugs. And yet, still ... I got tired of feeling like shit. Day in. Day out. Every day was remarkable in that it was remarkably the same. Nothing was helping. An already lengthy hospitalization was only getting lengthier. And nothing was touching my depression. I finally acquiesced. I would try ketamine. I thought I’d lost what marbles I had left – me, a psychedelic drug. Yikes.
The actual experience of ketamine was not unpleasant, but not terribly “trippy,” either. It was a bit of a letdown. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I was grateful that it wasn’t an outrageously psychedelic experience. Since then, my experiences with ketamine treatments have been all over the map. Some are a bit out there, and most are pretty mundane.
What has been the most surprising to me is that it has WORKED. Not completely, not without exception, but better than anything else I have tried. I have a schedule that works for me: three treatments per week for two weeks, then six weeks off, and repeat. This is my regimen for a few different reasons. First, I was already traveling from my home in Kansas to Texas to see my treatment team regularly. Second, it had become obvious that I needed maintenance ketamine.
I looked into getting ketamine treatment in Kansas, but ran into a wall. Well, two walls. I was informed I was not a candidate for ketamine based on my diagnoses – I was ineligible based on having bipolar and because I experience psychosis. It did not matter that my treating psychiatrist in Texas had not encountered any issues during my treatments. The answer was simply “No.” To the present day, I spent six weeks in Kansas and then two weeks in Texas receiving ketamine. It might be unwieldy at times, but it seems to work.
I remember talking to my best friend the night before I had my first ketamine treatment – he was utterly panicked. Apparently, his husband had had a very bad trip with ketamine many years before, and he was very worried for me. I almost didn’t go through with the treatment; luckily, despite all of my misgivings, I did. Ketamine has been an absolute game-changer for me. Do I still get depressed? Yes. Do I still get suicidal? Yes. Do I still wind up in the hospital now and then? Yes. Is it a cure? No. But is life on ketamine a whole hell of a lot better? YES!!!
Other treatments on the horizon are kissing cousins of ketamine, namely psilocybin, otherwise known as psychedelic mushrooms. Has it been suggested that I try it, assuming it becomes legal? Yes, but given my success with ketamine, it is unlikely that I will need to unless the ketamine stops working. It’s worked for a number of years, so hopefully, it will continue working. If things change, however, I would not hesitate to try psilocybin. Somewhere along the line, I have become a big believer in psychedelic drugs. While I’m incredibly grateful for ketamine, I can’t help but wonder what my life would have been like had ketamine been available earlier.
In my opinion, the closely supervised administration of psychedelic drugs for the treatment of mental illness need not be feared. They are given in controlled environments and are composed of controlled ingredients. The only caveat I can think of is if there is a red flag, such as a history of illicit drug abuse. Ketamine treatments on their own aren’t going to make you an addict. Is ketamine a first-line treatment? No. It’s not even a second or third-line treatment. Ketamine can, however, provide hope when nothing else can. My advice: if your doctor suggests ketamine, give it serious thought – it has made an amazing difference in my life.