Mental Self Defense (aka Coping Skills)

So you’re suicidal. What next? Here is where I will dig deep for the skills I have learned to cope with suicidality (I’m digging deep because I will be the first to admit that they don’t always work and sometimes feel like a mere pittance or throwing good after bad).

What constitutes a coping skill? While there are experts on every variation of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) imaginable, they are not my favorite tool in my coping skill toolbox. For example, while Marsha Linehan’s DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) has helpful coping skills when I can stop and take a breath, I find her complicated multiple-letter acronyms hard to call up in a time of crisis.

So where does that leave me (and, just as importantly, you)? Well, I wrote in my last blog about how the five senses can trigger traumatic memories. True, but it should be noted that we can employ the five senses to our advantage. How, you ask? A candle with a favorite scent, a calming picture book, a cup of tea with a strong flavor, a soft blanket, or a favorite playlist. All of these, alone or together, can help you reground yourself in the present moment – something that can be difficult when you have experienced a trauma (or have had a bad experience that did not result in PTSD).

While trauma is not the only cause of suicidality, I believe it to be one of the major causes. When someone (or something) violates your physical or emotional integrity, choosing to live, to survive, can seem, at best, daunting – and, at the worst, a downright and insurmountable obstacle.

So, back to coping skills: I can’t promise that what has worked for me will work for you – but I can give you a place to springboard from if none of the tricks I use work for you. For anxiety, I try to get my breath under control, which slows everything down and gives me space for rational thought (if you’ve experienced anxiety or panic attacks, you know firsthand that anxiety is not always logical and can really get in the way of you living your life). You can use any means of breath control – I like to use “4” breathing (breath in for a count of four, hold for a count of four, exhale for a count of four, hold for a count of four; repeat). I find it simple to remember and effective at slowing things down.

Engaging in mindful-based activities can be another tool in your toolbox. This is another simple skill to master and doesn’t require you to remember which acronym is appropriate for the situation at hand – if they help you, all the better; for me, I can hardly think of my name when triggered alone a lengthy acronym. So, mindful-based activities can be, for example, holding a piece of ice when you find it difficult to be mentally present (those who suffer from past trauma(s) are especially apt to dissociate, to “zone out,” as a way to numb uncomfortable emotions).

Another trick when triggered is to mindfully drink a cup of tea (slowly and noting the five senses it affects) or take a mindful walk (ditto). How, you ask? For me, I hear the whistle of the tea kettle, the cup feels warm in my hands, has a particular taste, is a certain color, and has a specific odor. Mindful walking involves listening to my footsteps, smelling the air, noting the contact of my feet with the ground, seeing the sights, and noting what taste I imagine (e.g., “tasting” pumpkin spice in the fall).

A trick my long-time therapist taught me, and I have employed for more than two decades, is to fist my hands in my dog’s fur. Connecting with my dogs helps me realize that if they aren’t panicking, I don’t need to panic. I really recommend engaging with a pet (even having a fish can be therapeutic); if you don’t or can’t have a pet, try volunteering at your local animal shelter – they almost always need people to socialize the cats and dogs.

As-needed medications (called PRNs) can help diffuse a difficult state of being. I use these sparingly so they retain their potency as it’s possible to habituate to any PRN if overused. I am actually encouraged by my treaters to use PRNs more often than I do – that’s how infrequently I take them. Overdoing it, however, can wind up with you having a whole other problem, so tread with care when it comes to using medication. At the same time, don’t punish yourself by restricting access to a PRN when it’s warranted.

Probably my best coping strategy is talking to my therapist. She helps me see that my depression is not an end-game and that suicide is not my only option – that my life (and future) is not already written, and that I have choices. So, where does this leave you? I hope one of my coping skills rings true for you – if not, I hope you search until you find one (or preferably more than one), and I hope you realize that the Beast that is suicidality, that thing that makes you hopeless, can be tamed if you have the right tools in your toolbox.