Perfectionism and Other Ills

So, why is perfectionism such a bad thing? After all, isn’t it just a source of motivation to do your best? NOOOOO!!! It’s NOT!!! It’s actually one of the worst habits you can develop, and it takes a trip through a personal hell to disentangle yourself from this elusive – and impossible – goal.

Why do you need to get over your infatuation with procrastination, you ask? Because perfectionism requires you to be perfect, and if I remember correctly, being perfect is categorically impossible. So, why is it so bad to strive to be the best of the best? Because pursuing perfectionism is just a pipe dream. Achieving perfectionism isn’t a reality, so let’s be honest: striving to achieve perfectionism is neither a possibility – nor a healthy goal. And, even if you were to get the elusive perfect thing you’re trying to get, we won’t always do it perfectly – remember, we aren’t automatons.

I wasn’t born a perfectionist, but I “overcame” that and became one. How? Because I so, so, so desperately wanted to succeed as a horseback riding competitor. But this not only affected my riding; it became my goal in EVERYTHING. As I strove to become the best rider, I strove to be the best student, best daughter, best friend, best everything.

Riding taught me many things, including losing (AND winning) with grace. In time, it taught me to value the small accomplishment I made at home more than the blue ribbons won at a horse show, but this was NOT something I learned early on – it was only after I gave up my goal of perfectionism (for the most part, at least – I still have my moments), that I learned that there really are gifts of imperfection.

Giving myself the impossible goal of perfection made me just. plain. miserable. No two ways about It. Even if I got an “A”, or won a blue ribbon, I picked apart my performance. It could have been better than it was; it could have been “more” perfect. Trust me – enjoy that “A”, that blue ribbon. They are a marker of your success, for sure, but don’t get tied up in perfectionism: one of the most important lessons I learned is that you don’t have to be perfect to come out on top. The Beast who is our suicidality feeds off of our insecurities, our striving to be perfect.

How did I decide to give up perfectionism (because it WAS a decision)? It truly was an “aha” moment. I was filling out a relapse prevention plan in preparation for discharge from The Menninger Clinic, and there was a page where you could write inspirational quotes, advice to yourself, etc. I wrote “I am good enough”. The woman who reviewed my plan crossed out the word “good”.

Now, this pissed me off!! I thought, “Well, SHIT!” I had been so proud of myself for having said “good enough” that I was just a tad bit upset that she had edited my statement.

I was mad for a couple of days, but then it hit me: “good” was a qualifier, a limit. And I wanted the get rid of the whole perfectionist kit and caboodle. If I wasn’t going to be a perfectionist, I wanted to be the best at being average (you see where this is going? I wanted to be a perfectionist in my mediocrity!!).

Letting go of the entire concept of perfectionism is a real struggle, but it is key in our fighting off the Beast. Being a perfectionist is a choice - choose instead to recognize that we are ALL imperfect and that it is our imperfect selves who make this world a richer place.

Photo credit: Missy Hood