Roles vs Identity

The roles and identities we have are two incredibly important concepts in the fight against the Beast that is suicidality. Why, you ask? Well, here goes an incredibly personal – and incredibly revealing (uh-oh) – story about both of these things.

Once upon a time, when I was a patient at The Menninger Clinic in Houston, Texas, my doctor told me that I had to give up identifying as a lawyer. This absolutely crushed me. He wanted me to give up the identity that I had worked SO hard to achieve!!! How could he want this for me – how could I want this for myself???

It was during this conversation that I began to understand where my doctor was coming from. He explained the difference between roles we play and identities we embody. He said that he was a jolly, fat man. I said, but you’re a doctor, a husband, and a father. To that, he said this: he could lose any of those roles, but the jolly, fat man was here to stay.

This doctor was incredibly kind, and incredibly smart. He knew that one of my roles was that of a patient (hardly a surprise given my number of hospitalizations, and the sheer cumulative length of time I had been hospitalized). I felt deeply wounded when he said I needed to re-examine this role – I even asked him if he thought I was malingering. He said absolutely not. But, I clearly identified too much with the role of patient, and that was actually holding me back. I remember talking to him (well, he did most of the talking – I was sobbing so hard I’m amazed I heard a word of what he said). But I heard him loud and clear; what I had been doing wasn’t sustainable, that I needed to befriend myself and learn to recognize my identity versus my roles.

He said my identity was “smart, kind, and funny” – the next day, my hospital social worker said I was “resilient and a person of integrity.” A few years later, the evening charge nurse, during another hospitalization, added “determined” to the list.

My doctor wanted me to understand that those qualities basically don’t change, and that being a lawyer or horseback rider – or even a writer – can all change at any given time. So, I hang onto “smart, kind, funny, resilient, integrity, determined” with all my might. Remembering one’s identity is the quickest way to disable the Beast. There is nothing the Beast hates more than someone who is in touch with their true identity.

Ask yourself: what are my words? What are the things that don’t change across time? And, just as importantly, what are the roles that you play? Once you identify these things, ask yourself: are there roles that you pin your identity on ones that could shift and change – even if you don’t think they will? Is it, however unlikely – possible – that they could change? If so, it’s a role, not an identity.

As for the majority of us, we get stuck on our roles being our identities. STOP!!! Think of what you want to be remembered for at your funeral – do you want to be known primarily as a lawyer, or would you rather be known as the smart, kind, funny, resilient, determined individual with integrity? Admittedly, I am speaking for myself, but I venture to guess that I’m not the only one who would prefer a eulogy to wax philosophical on our positive character traits instead of our roles, for instance, as an attorney – even as a writer, which is my most cherished role.

In sum, don’t sell yourself short. We are so much more than the role(s) we play. The Beast counts on us to limit ourselves to those role(s). We need to remember and put emphasis on who we are – not what we are. This said, do not self-flagellate if you find yourself in a narrowing world, as it is the Beast’s desire to limit us to the roles we play, and to take away the most important part of us: our identity. This desire of the Beast is, for us, a call to arms. Go forth and rise up – fight for who we are!

Pictured: Justice telling me it's time for bed!