We rarely direct uglier, or more punative words at ourselves than shoulda, woulda, oughta and coulda. Even I realize (on a good day when I’m not in a haze of self-hatred) how incredibly self-destructive such words can be.
So, what is so wrong with Shoulda, Woulda, Oughta, Coulda? Well, for starters, they invoke a battle cry of self-hatred and loathing. They are qualifiers that make us feel guilty, lonely, and profoundly sad. Truth be told, I feel this way about myself more often than I’d care to admit, and the burden of shoulda, woulda, oughta, and coulda (that I refer to as the ‘ouldas) are all too frequent visitors in my head.
So, you ask: What does it matter if I say any (or all) of the ‘ouldas? Why is it such a big deal? I’ll tell you why: the Beast that is our suicidality absolutely THRIVES on the ‘ouldas. Again, WHY? Well, for starters, the ‘ouldas isolate us – they make us close ranks until all that is left are our darkest thoughts and no one to help us reorient to a better place. (Note: I did not say a miracle cure, but having something or someone to gain traction against the ‘ouldas will stop the Beast in its tracks.)
If I’m waxing philosophical about the ‘ouldas, you probably want to know my personal experience with the them: I’m – unhappily – plenty familiar with the role the ‘ouldas has played in my life. For starters, let’s go with Shoulda: I Shoulda tried harder to salvage my career as a lawyer. Then there’s Woulda: if only I’d tried harder in therapy, I Woulda better able to handle life difficulties without falling apart. Now there’s Oughta – I Oughta be a better person, not the fuck up I see in the mirror. And lastly, there is Coulda…If only I Coulda done this or that differently, I would be happy.
The ‘ouldas are fighting words – and we are the losers. Every. Single. Time. There is no possibility for us to coexist with those four words and not be affected adversely. Not. A. Single. Chance. Why am I so adamant about the words? After all, words are just words, right? Or is there a part of you that recognizes that words can slay a soul? I’d be willing to venture a guess that if you deal with the ‘ouldas, you already know the pain they cause.
No matter how alluring it may seem to use the ‘ouldas to explain shortcomings, we end up selling ourselves short. Put simply, the ‘ouldas just plain hurt – and for those of us battling the Beast, we don’t need to add fuel to the fire. Put out the flames – give up the ‘ouldas. We’ve got this!!
Hi Laura, thank you again for sharing your wisdom and learnings with us! I have benefited so much from reading your words, and I too am a victim of all of these things: being hard on myself for not trying harder, not spending more time to be successful, not being good enough. We all need to be more forgiving for ourselves and allow ourselves the happiness we deserve! And **YOU Laura** are loved, you are successful, you are helpful, you are valuable, you count, you would be terribly missed if anything happened to you!!! You are a treasure to others! Keep doing what you’re doing, and please feel great about yourself, Laura you deserve it! Love and hugs, Liz
Awesome Laura Ann!!! This is not just true in those with Mental Illness, but also those of us that are undiagnosed! I am consistently saying to myself I shoulda, coulda, or woulda --- I have to learn to keep those words at bay as well! As the Stuart Smalley on Saturday Night Live used to say, " I am good enough, I am smart enough, and doggone it, PEOPLE LIKE ME!!! " And YOU are good enough, smart enough and doggone it PEOPLE LOVE YOU!!!