So, what is the function of suicidality, you ask? Suicidal ideation, the focus on suicide to the exclusion of most everything else, is the suicidal person’s rabbit hole. Hell, battling suicidality and the Beast is my rabbit hole.
Suicidal ideation provides a soft landing, so to speak. When everything – and I mean everything – hurts and nothing makes sense, falling back on one’s suicidality can be like a security blanket. It is comforting, reassuring, and familiar ground.
In a world where it feels like one is out of options, it can feel like the one viable option. However, if you keep on focusing on suicide, you will miss out on what this life has to offer. Ask yourself: Do you want to live your life focusing solely on your exit ticket? We’re all going to die, so we might as well try to enjoy the ride!
Suicidal gestures (e.g., cutting) and suicide attempts are often considered “cries for help.” While this can sometimes be true, it is essential to take the person experiencing suicidality and/or making gestures or attempts extremely seriously. I can’t speak for everyone battling the Beast, but I know how angry and self-loathing I was after my attempts – I wasn’t at all amused that I had not been successful.
The most important piece of wisdom I have is, that in order to give yourself a chance at mental wellness you need to take suicidality off the table. You can’t truly live while at the same time focusing all your energies on wanting to die. So, the million-dollar question is: HOW, exactly, does one go about taking suicide off the table when it is your warm security blanket??
Well, my first response is that it’s not easy. And my second response is that I’m not always successful. Like most things in life, mental health is a matter of degree, and on a good day, I can say that the Beast is at a dull, distant roar. And when it is just background noise, I can focus on my mental wellness. The days that the Beast comes out shrieking, however, I know I’m in for a wild ride – and how hard I will have to work to keep suicidality from being an option back on the table.
If you can’t immediately and completely take suicidality off the table, don’t chastise yourself – as I freely admitted, I do better some days than others. I am, however, committed to staying alive, and that means not welcoming suicidal ideation into my life. I keep the Beast on a very tight leash these days; learning how to combat the Beast has kept me alive thus far – it hasn’t been easy, but it has been worth it.
One important thing to note is that suicidality can become a crutch – suicidal ideation can be almost addictive, as it can provide a sense of comfort. Why? Because it becomes a fallback position, an “out,’ as it were. I used to think if it’s just ideation, what’s the harm? We don’t get very much time on this earth, so we need to go all in and banish suicidality from our bag of coping mechanisms. Remember, life is a gift – don’t let the Beast tell you otherwise, and most importantly, don’t give up. You’ve got this.
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