The Holiday Doldrums

Chanukah just ended, and there are 15 days until Christmas. Are you freaking out? Do the holidays float your boat – or are they the bane of your existence? If you got through Chanukah unscathed, more power to you. However, if you are counting the days until Christmas is over, you might just have an eensy teensy bit of difficulty with the holidays.

There are many reasons that people find the holidays so difficult. One huge reason is losses – especially new losses or losses that occurred on or near the holidays. Losing someone is bad enough, but the pain associated with missing them during the holidays can feel especially acute.

I have a number of friends who lost a parent this year – they are experiencing their first holidays without their parent, missing someone who was an essential part of their holiday experience for the first time. The raw grief they are experiencing is painful to witness. I wish I could do something, but I realize, down deep, that anything I could say would be a mere platitude.

Knowing the holidays can be a major trigger, one ought to keep people who have lost loved ones (especially those experiencing newer losses) in mind over the holidays. An invitation, a phone call, an email, or an instant message can make all the difference. If you are worried about someone, make an effort to include them. However, understand their boundaries and respect them – the grieving person may not feel comfortable with an unexpected visitor.

NOTE: If you are imminently concerned for someone’s safety and they are not cooperative re: getting help, first try to reach out to a family member if there is one. If there are no family members or they are not helpful, you may need to encourage them to seek professional help. In a crisis, they may be best off seeking hospitalization (yes, the holiday blues can be that serious). If you are dealing with someone who is suicidal, instead of thinking that you’re meddling in their affairs by getting them help, think of whether you could live with yourself if your friend committed suicide, if they surrendered to the Beast that is suicidality?

One really important thing to keep in mind is that most suicides do NOT occur during the holidays. The highest number of suicides are in the spring and early summer. I know we tend to think about suicide rates being at their peak during the holidays – what you need to remember is while there are a number of suicides during November and December, the best gift you can give to a friend or loved one who is struggling during the holidays is to keep them in mind ALL year long. (The reason is that we tend to be more attuned to people suffering during the holidays – not so much in April, May, and June).

So, if you are the one suffering, make sure you take care of yourself. Make sure you are taking the time for self-care. Lighten your holiday workload – have someone else make Christmas dinner; for example, at the least have others bring side dishes. Give yourself a break, and remember, your loved one would want you to stave off your suicidality, to beat back the Beast.

As bad as you think you have it during the holidays, please keep in mind what your death would mean for your family, friends, and treaters. They would be lost without you and would blame themselves for your death. Truth be told, two days after Christmas is my worst day of the year - I make sure to talk to my therapist that day and to keep myself as busy, as a means of distraction. It doesn’t entirely “fix” my difficulty, but it certainly helps. Remember, if the holidays are difficult for you, go easy on yourself, and if need be, fight the Beast back with all your might.