Toxic people part two: The scars of bullying

Bullying. The topic that is on everybody's radar these days. Bullying causes actual harm to real people and is as widespread as ever - maybe more so in adults these days. Was I bullied? Yes. Did I retaliate? No. But (and this is a HUGE but), I grew up before the era of social media, where stupid moments would "blow over" instead of living on in infamy in a social media feed.

While I dodged the social media bullet, I didn't escape bullying altogether. I will be the first to admit that I wasn't exactly popular during my grade school thru high school career. I was often made fun of (and, in later years, ghosted to the point I felt invisible – which was probably preferable).

I was an easy target as a kid – shy, average at athletics, and very musically inclined (you didn't make friends by playing the flute, that's for darn sure, nor did playing piano or singing).

What saved me was the barn and my horse. I loved that stupid crazy mare more than I can express, and she (mostly) tolerated all my loving on her. With her came a barn full of kids who loved their horses as much as I did and welcomed me without a second glance.

They saved me, especially on my worst days of feeling invisible. They gave me a family of like-minded kids who supported me when I won at the horse shows – and when I lost – without making me feel "less than." It's soooo easy to feel less than, to feel as if you don't measure up, that you aren't good enough to be someone's friend, that you aren't good enough to grace this earth.

Which brings in the Beast that is suicidality. Never, EVER let someone tell you, by words or actions, that you aren't enough, whatever "enough" is. You are YOU, and THAT, by definition, is ENOUGH. You don't owe anyone anything. Also, it's important to note that the person you think is so popular, who has it all, could easily be just as miserable as you are.

Yes, that is true – sometimes someone who seemingly has it all is missing the same things you are - they just put on a game face that indicates they are happy. How do you see past the veneer? If they always seem happy, you can pretty much guarantee they aren't.

My worst bullying moment was physical and occurred during a visit to the lake on my school's campus. I think I was in the third grade, and the girl who bullied me (she choked me until I almost passed out, leaving me in the thick of some trees), was, I believe, repeating the fifth grade. Luckily, I had a principal who believed me and who ensured we were never alone together from then on. She did not return to school the following year. I am, however, in some ways permanently scarred – I cannot handle anything that creates pressure on my throat: no too-tight necklaces or turtlenecks for me.

While I survived my pre-college years with general unhappiness, I "mended" in college and grad school. I was, what was somewhat alien and surprising to me, "popular." I joined a sorority in undergrad and am still involved in it (as an alum advisor) to this day. And I felt right at home in law school – somehow, I had graduated from unpopular to popular. I was lucky. There were people I knew who never bridged the gap, and I understand their unhappiness.

I am not suggesting that the bullied become the bulliers. NO one should try to one-up another. The pain that comes with psychological and/or physical bullying is indescribable – it is not an experience I'd wish upon another.

The worse the bullying, the more seductive the pull of suicide. Don't let the Beast win – remember that someday you will be out of your situation, whether it's school, on a playing field, or something entirely different. You will NOT always be in the position you are in today. The one rule is that things, by their very nature, change. Whether that's for the better remains to be seen, but the one thing I'll promise is that it will change. So, why don't you stick around and see what different looks like?