The whys of suicide

There's a particular curiosity about suicide - people always want to know why. Why would someone want to take their own life? I don't think people are being nosey per se, rather they want to understand something they fear.

Every person has their own reasons, of course. I believe that sharing helps open the conversations and hopefully save a life. So why did (do) I want to commit suicide? Here are my top five reasons:

1. I believed I had let everyone down and that I was a complete failure at life.

2. I believed the people in my life were better off without me – that I was a thorn in their sides, an unnecessary burden.

3. I was in excruciating emotional pain and could not foresee it ever ending.

4. My "four horsemen" – Worthless, Useless, Hopeless, and Failure – reigned supreme in my narrative. They are my gremlins (clearly, I fed them after midnight and got them wet in one fell swoop!).

5. Waiting for the other shoe to drop became an art form. I occasionally had a day, or more often part of a day, where life seemed possible – but it never lasted beyond that point in time. I came to resent those glimpses of a life it seemed that I was not destined to live. Those glimpses were harder than just being 100% miserable 100% of the time. Waiting for the other shoe to drop simply became a self-defense mechanism, shielding me from the lowest of the lows and preventing me from experiencing joy in any form.

Just because it's been a number of years since my two attempts, that does not mean I am in the clear. In fact, when someone has been struggling, oftentimes, the most difficult time is just after things seem to be going better. Hold your suicidal loved ones close – and your suicidal self even tighter if you are the one fighting the Beast that is suicide.

The Beast loves nothing more than to attack when we let our guard down. One experience with suicidality does not guarantee a lifelong struggle with the Beast, but it should be on everyone's radar – none of us are exempt.

They say, "You snooze, you lose." This is nowhere more apt a phrase than with suicidality. You don't need to think constantly about the Beast, but you DO need to remain vigilant, always.

How you ask? Good question. Mostly what I'm referring to are triggers. These can be everything from the five senses (smell, touch, taste, see, and hear) to actual physical places, people, and things. Often when someone is suicidal, there are talismans such as some or all of the above triggers, and they often (but by no means always) result in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Triggers can be excruciating. Sometimes they sneak up on you, and sometimes they blindside you (e.g., finding out you did not get into the college of your choice). Unfortunately, in both situations, one does not see that the pain will end and instead reacts based on a moment instead of the whole picture. Even when the reason for feeling suicidal has longevity (e.g., for me, it's a pileup of things), the pain does end.

How can I make it stop, you ask? The most effective means of diffusing my suicidality is talking it through. Talking to a nonjudgmental friend, family member, therapist, or clergyperson and let them into your struggles can help enormously.

CAVEAT here: Suicide is a touchy subject for some, and it is not in their wheelhouse to be nonjudgmental and supportive – some are simply overwhelmed by the gravity of the subject and are unable to help. IF THIS IS THE CASE, do not pass go, do not collect $200, but reach out to a mental health professional. It is their job to help people like you and me without judgment or getting overwhelmed.

What you need to do, first and foremost, is to diffuse the crazy-making chorus the Beast keeps drumming into your head. Remember, you did nothing to invite the Beast into your life. That said, once it's taken up residence in your head and heart, you must fight back. And if you don't know how, you'll need a crash course in mental self-defense. In my next blog, I'll go over some strategies for battling back the Beast, whether one's suicidality is a one-off experience or a more chronic relationship with suicidal ideation.